tangent five: the bald and the beautiful.

Ello, Guvnah.

Yeah, that opening was pretty uncool. Forgive me. It's still fun to say out loud though. I doubt you can disagree with that. Depending on the kind of person you are, you might have even attempted to vocalize it yourself just now but then realized that the people around you were staring, questioning your normalcy, at which point you covered it up with some ridiculous excuse. I have a lot of friends who would've done that. I probably would've done that, so don't feel ashamed if I just spoke directly to you. Enough witty banter. It's time to get serious and tangential. I was browsing around on tvguide.com yesterday, trying to decide what I wanted to use as background noise while I did homework, and I found myself drawn to The Steve Wilkos Show. Let me take a few steps back and review who Steve Wilkos is, for those of you who couldn't figure it out from the picture. Steve Wilkos is best known for being the former security guard on The Jerry Springer Show. He gained fame over the years for wearing black and breaking up various fights between transvestites, fat women being two-timed by a skinny redneck, incestual families, midgets, baby daddies, members of the KKK, and many other interesting characters who chose to display their colorful lives on TV sans shame. He was also easily recognizable because of his baldness. The female audience members of Jerry Springer ate this up and bought tickets just to be able to rub Steve's shiny head. Yesterday his show's topic was "I'm 14 and want a baby", and I now feel stupider for having put myself through 60 minutes of what can best be described as "Captain Obvious telling people what they already know" or actually, "what they should already know". There are a lot of idiots out there. The show revolved around a 14-year-old girl (whose name I never caught), her mother (whose name I never caught either), the integral, life-changing "Ghost of Christmas Future" character who has already "been there", and the child's father, Roy (the only name I caught and chose to remember...I think maybe because it reminded me of The Office). If you're an intelligent human being, I'm sure you've already pieced together how the show played out. Actually, you don't really even need to be that intelligent to be able to do this...or human. I'm quite sure an ape could figure it out. None of that is relevant to today's tangent, but I thought I should warn those of you who were thinking about maybe watching it sometime. Don't. I have to admit I wasn't paying attention during the first 10 minutes of the show because Steve's bald head distracted me, and I started thinking about this professor that Adrea and I had our junior year of college. I won't mention his name, just in case he decides to google himself (because, let's be honest, people do it all the time); however, he taught a law class that only met one night a week for what felt like 8 hours (in reality, the class was only about 3 hours). Like Steve Wilkos, our teacher was completely bald, yet attractive in a weird, "you're intelligent and have a Southern accent and could sue me for all I'm worth" kind of way. Back me up, Adrea. Around the second week Adrea and I started making inappropriate jokes about what we'd like to do to his bald head (ie: rub hot oil on it while discussing copyrighting laws). When we got mad at him, the hot oil became tar and was sometimes followed by feathers. Towards the end of the semester he got way more tar than oil...it was a hard class. Irrelevant alert: we also had a guy in our class who looked like Emilio Estevez circa The Breakfast Club. He never got oil, only snickers and snide remarks about his outdated look and cut-off sweats. Adrea and I are really nice people. Dwelling on the hairless heads of these two unrelated men, Steve and my teach, led me to today's tangent. There aren't many men (or women...I'm an equal opportunist) who can go completely bald. I want to extend my utmost commendation to those of you out there who fit into this description, and while I don't have all the time in the world to praise everyone who is currently rocking (or has, at one time, rocked) this look, I would like to recognize  some of my favorites:

Billy Zane: 

I almost wish he had chosen to sport this look while portraying his villainous role as Cal Hockley in Titanic because if he had, I'm fairly certain Rose would have taken one glance at him and dumped Jack into the water early on, skipping all of that "I'll never let go" nonsense. I'm also a big fan of his constant 5 o'clock shadow. What a man. 

George Foreman: 

This man has successfully executed the 3 B's: boxing, burgers, and baldness. Not to mention the fact that he had the audacity to name all five of his sons "George". Ya know what? I think that's reason enough to add a 4th "B" to the list: balls.

Robin Tunney:

AKA Debra from Empire Records. While I always mimicked my behavior and style after Corey Mason (Liv Tyler's character), I am able to fully appreciate the "rebel" in any movie, especially the really edgy ones found in cult classics such as this film.  In my opinion, shaving your head in a record store bathroom during work hours adds cool points to your resume. Plus, after this movie Tunney went on to make The Craft and taught my friends and me how to play "Light as a feather, stiff as a board". But that's another tangent for another day. 

Howie Mandel: 

2 words: soul patch.

Vin Diesel: 

Not only do his pectoral muscles make me feel like a natural woman, but Vin is coming close to surpassing Chuck Norris in the "Terrible Jokes About My Strength and Abilities" category. He might have already surpassed Chuck because I'm not sure Chuck could rock the baldness and still feel like a man. Bravo, Vin. 

Britney Spears:

Oh, Brit. So much to say, so little time to say it. I enjoyed this look of Britney's. Watching her deteriorate right in front of America's eyes became a favorite pastime during 2006 and 2007. This particular protest only signified that rock bottom was near and that Britney really didn't have anywhere else to go but up...or to rehab...again. But all kidding aside, I'm glad you're doing better, Brit. Say hi to your niece for me.

Michael Williams:

No, this isn't Mickey Knox. This is Michael Williams and he, like some of the contenders on this list, rocks a nearly naked noggin on a daily basis. However, unlike the rest of the people on this list, he's a normal person, as in not a celebrity, as in pretty cool in my book.

And while these people and unmentioned others are able to pull off the "bald do" flawlessly, I have a specific request for certain people who just shouldn't...unless they have to: Zac Efron, George Clooney, Oprah, Jamie Lynn Spears (your sister covered this already, don't be a copycat), Michael Cera, Jennifer Aniston, Bret Michaels, and Mo'Nique. (Confused about her? That's why hyperlinks are helpful.) Although she would look funny without hair, I really just want you to visit her website. Another thing...because I lacked a tangent yesterday, I didn't get to wish my friend, Jeff, a happy 24th birthday. Yes, that's the same Jeff who made me the sweet mixed tape mentioned in tangent two. So happy belated birthday, old friend. I hope you dance. Okay, I'm off to create things. Later.

Peace. Love. RIP Rogaine.